About me
Hi, I’m Shelley
People often ask me why I choose to work across a few different areas. The answer is simple. I choose to do work that I love, and in the areas I believe I am here to make an impact in.
That means that I:
speak and coach, helping people get unstuck and consciously live their lives, their way. I love to challenge the ‘status quo’ and excite people about the possibilities that are within them. I believe life is meant to be lived - across all of our waking hours (and work, home and everywhere in between).
I co-founded and am Director of Tony’s Place, a charitable trust that provides age-appropriate support for children, teens and adults affected by suicide, and professional development and training for caring professing providing support to the bereaved. (Check our www.tonysplace.org.nz).
I was 12 years of age when my father suicided. I remember the day vividly. I recall initially being told that my father had “had an accident” and that he would be okay … as though I was too young to realise the strange-looking long charcoal-coloured vehicle parked on our driveway was a hearse. I knew my Dad wasn’t okay. And I would soon learn that it was no accident.
Not only did my Dad die that day. My family as I knew it, changed forever. I recall, even from that young age, being very aware of how differently my sister (three years older), my mother and I, grieved. I grew up with a real curiosity. I had questions about suicide (naturally), and about grief. What is it about coping with the death of a loved one that allows some people to be able to find ways of carrying on and still living happy and fulfilling lives, while others get seemingly ‘stuck’? What does ‘helpful’ grief support look like? And, why isn’t there more support for children? These were just some of the questions I spent my teenage years contemplating and my adult years finding answers to (including completing my PhD!). My father is a very big part of my ‘why’ in this area of my work.
Let’s start with what is most important … I am married to Paul, with four gorgeous children, Alex, Andre, Brooke and Carley, aged 17 to 32 years. My family is my constant reminder of what matters most to me.
My Why
I am also in the stages of setting up an online business, the Grief Shop (www.thegriefshop.co.nz , will be live soon). Working in the area of grief support I firmly believe we can do better. The Grief Shop will allow the bereaved to access books and resources they know they can trust, to support themselves in their grief. I hope it will be a place of comport for the bereaved. It will also provide a range of carefully curated items for people seeking a gift for a loved one who is grieving. The Grief Shop will provide thoughtful and lasting alternatives to flowers.
The range will include a number of bespoke resources I have designed myself, to support children in their grief, available exclusively through the grief shop. The findings of my PhD were clear around the fact that children are the experts in their grief and know what they experience as helpful and unhelpful. I am developing tools to help young people self-regulate their grief emotions and communicate their grief needs to those caring for them (to give children ‘voice and choice’ in their grief support).
It wasn’t that long ago that I found myself ‘stuck’. I had started listening to the advice of others, that I needed to choose ‘one thing’ to be known for (do one thing, and do it well, people won’t know what you do if you’re doing more than one thing). On the surface it seemed like reasonable advice, yet intuitively, I knew it wasn’t right for me. Whenever I even contemplated focusing on only one of my areas, and letting go of my want to make an impact in other ways, my body gave me feedback. I was reminded to trust my own judgement. “Do it all” I heard my soul whisper. And so I am. Of course, I don’t do it all myself, I have wonderful teams and support around me.
This recent reminder has also served to strength my belief in the uniqueness of each of us, and that only we can know what’s right for us, at any given time.
As a coach, I won’t tell clients what to do, yet I absolutely support them to come to their own answers that feel right for them.
In the same way I know I am living what is absolutely meant for me, at present. Surely, that’s what truly living one’s life, is all about. Living my life, my way.
Somewhat of a side note: I love sweet peas. They remind me of my father. I remember as a young child every autumn my Dad and I would plant sweet pea seeds in the garden outside my bedroom window. He would water them every night and eventually they would produce the most gorgeous, colourful display.
It’s now been 40+ years since my father died. The sweet peas beside his headstone are from me. The sweet peas that are on my desk, remind me of him, daily. Now I plant sweet peas for my own children and grandchildren to enjoy… from both of us.